so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
