i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
