They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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