A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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