Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
