phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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