someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
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