New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
