my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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