im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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