Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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