when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize