Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
