She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
