Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
