from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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