just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
