Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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