they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
