You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
