I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize