Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
