Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I touched a dick in church today
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
