I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize