plz talk dirty to me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
