Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
