Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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