Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
