White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
