Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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