be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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