Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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