Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
