my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
