mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
