That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
