im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
