i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
