You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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