I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize