Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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