if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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