I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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