Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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