Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
