god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
