I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
