just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
