that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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