Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize