hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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