my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
