Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
