Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
