before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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