You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
