So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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