I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
