tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
