This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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