Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
