2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
either way he was missing a nipple.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
