**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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