Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
