I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
