We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
