This is not my ceiling
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
